I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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