remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
