so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
