bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
