It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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