singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
