You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
