I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
