Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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