Your face is a jimmy john
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
