i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
