You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
