I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
