Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
