i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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