Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
