so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
