Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
