My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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