Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
