Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize