it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
