you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
