can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize