my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
