He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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