she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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