I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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