Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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