He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
