ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
