Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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