I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
