He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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