Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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