when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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