Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
