After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
