god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
