remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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