apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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