Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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