our cab driver is having phone sex.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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