Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
