That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
