Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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