I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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