I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
