I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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