I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
