This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
