We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
