I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
