just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
