I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
