I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize