We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
