Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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