hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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