so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
