Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
