dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
