I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
