No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
